Tonight I Wanna Cry

As many times I've tried to define what is a relationship, one thing is clear: The one who chooses to leave is usually the villain although there are a plethora of faults on both sides. In my own personal experience, there is a lonely and hurtful price to be paid: who gets the friends.

A big lesson has been learned this go round. When you meet someone, you suddenly become this person that your partner wants everyone to meet. There's nothing wrong with that until something goes wrong and suddenly you're alone. Invitations no longer include you and before you know it you realize that you've built your world around your relationship. Of course I see both side of this, but that doesn't mean it hurts less.

So where are my friends? Oh, they're a phone call away, but there not here with a shoulder to lay my head. But why should I need that, after all I'm the bad guy, right? No, actually I've made a choice after a great deal of thought, but to try to articulate this is like screaming at the top of my lungs in a room full of loud talking and laughter.

Somewhere in all this mess of: "serves him right" and all that bullshit is a well intentioned person who never meant to hurt someone and moreover is the reality that I'm the one that's really left alone. So here I am by myself crying because it was my choice to leave and therefore I deserve it.

Maybe it is me. I'm not the most monogamous of partners, but does that make me heartless? I'm sort of like that bad puppy you have to smack on the nose with newspaper every now an then. I never want to hear any of my former partners tell me: "This came from out of nowhere." because you know you're wrong. I wear my heart on my sleeve and articulated needs that were not being met, "red flags", etc. but you chose the status quo or even worse: denial.

It's easier to please the world than to please myself. That's seems how I've lived my life. I guess I grew up always wanting to be the good boy. Make the good grades, behave, don't talk back and all the rest falls into place. I'm paralyzed by my own desire for perfection in every aspect of my life. 'Til this day, if I make a mistake at the office, I beat myself over it for days. "How could you be so stupid. You know better."

So after all this rambling I sit here somehow in disbelief that: "I don't play well with others." Well, at nearly 45 years old, I don't see much changing. So these days when someone pours it on thick with lines like: "You're cute" or "What? You're 44? You're kidding ?", I just think of that great Jack Nicholson line from the film "As Good as it Gets": "Go sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here."

Though a freak heart attack last year something was found that could have silently killed me. It's because of this I know God has happier days ahead for me, but tonight, good guy or bad, I just wanna cry.

"Gonna find me a Bluebird"

I love the simple lyrics of this Marvin Rainwater song (c.1957.) It sort of reflects how I'm feeling right now. Well I have to pat myself on the back for finding a bluebird that suits my personality.

"Gonna find me a bluebird
Let him sing me a song
Cause my heart's been broken
Much too long
Gonna chase me a rainbow
Thru' a heaven of blue
Cause I'm all through crying over you.

There was a time my love was needed
My life completed, my dreams come true
Then came the time my life was haunted
My love unwanted, all for you."

"The Last Lecture"

I saw this when it originally aired on "Oprah." It was a tape of Professor Randy Pausch of Carnegie Mellon University (pictured left with his wife and children) who has been diagnosed with incurable pancreatic cancer and has only months to live. Pausch is not taking the disease lying down, doing whatever possible to extend his time with his wife and their three children. Pausch challenged his students to write a "Last Lecture", a sort of talk you would give knowing what he knows about himself; that you only have months to live.

Pausch's taped lecture has been downloaded so many times on "YouTube" that Oprah Winfrey invited the professor to repeat his "Last Lecture" on her talk show. If you have not seen this, it is moving and thought provoking. I have posted the link below.

Although many of us may not have had the ideal parents (Pausch often speaks of the selflessness of his folks and their desire for their children to realize their dreams and goals) one can glean messages of hope. That it is never too late to realize a dream, to forgive where forgiveness is needed and finally, if you live right (doing right by others) great karma is the payoff.

I should mention that my favorite moment is when Pausch mentions that his parents let him color or crayon draw on the walls of his bedroom. "My parents much prefered encouragement of my imagination than pristine walls." I found myself chuckling at what would have been the reaction at my house if I suddenly crayoned my imaginationary visions on the Cortez family walls.

Please enjoy, smile, forgive and live well.

"Last Lecture"

"Alone again.......naturally"

I've always had a net of some sort when it came to my relationships. Some would say what's wrong with that; our partners are supposed to be supportive....a net.

The end of 2007 and realities of 2008 have brought me to new place. To me, being alone can be as frightening as a surgical procedure. I realize it's time to step out without that net. Of course my decision can cause a world of hurt and questions to my partner, but if you can't love yourself you really are incapable of fully giving yourself to someone else.

It seems everyone has a spin on my latest break - up from "post traumatic stress" from all the medical drama at the end of last year to "you're just messed up." I would say the events of last year made me start thinking more about me and what I want and right now I want to be by myself. Yes, finally make my own decisions and deal with their consequences, finally take care of myself.

I don't know just where I'm going
tomorrow it's a little overwhelming
the air is cold and I'm not the same anymore
I've been running in your direction for too long now
I've lost my own reflection
I can't look down if you're not there to catch me when I fall

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my right of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid but it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
at least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid 'cause it's my turn to be brave

All along all you ever wanted was to be the light when my life was daunting
but you can't see yours when you feel as though I'm pushing you away
Well, whose to blame? Are we making the right choices? 'Cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices. As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay

.........It's my turn to be brave.

A Walk for Ryane

Some very close friends of mine recently lost their infant daughter to SIDS. Drew and Kristi Rush are like family and have treated me in kind. A few years ago, I had dinner with a very calm Drew a few nights before the nuptials and danced at their wedding.

I cannot fathom a loss of this magnitude. News of this nature is humbling and suddenly makes all the little stuff meaningless.

In April, the Rushes, Manns and their friends will be walking for Ryane and the many that have passed from this mysterious killer and other disorders associated with infant mortality in the "March of Dimes March for Babies."

I have posted a link to Ryane's page and I ask the few that check in on my blog to donate whatever you can to their team (just click #2 to the left "Donate to this Team.") I thank you in advance for your kindness.
Matt

"WALK FOR RYANE"

Laugh of the Day...BUT SERIOUSLY

Talk show host Ellen Degeneres has some fun with a VERY misinformed Oklahoma House Representative Sally Kern. God help the right - wing Christian wingnuts!

Cancer Survivor........me?

I've been reluctant to blog about my many illnesses in the latter part of 2007. A minor heart attack in late August was a blessing in disguise as a routine x-ray in all tests revealed a spot on my right lung. Understand this was mentioned by the cardiologist as I was being discharged as a sort of "by the way." Hmmmm. a spot on right lung?

A CAT scan was ordered for my lungs. The scan came back with nothing on my lungs but picked up enough of my right kidney that revealed something more ominous. I was quickly scheduled for a scan on my kidneys. You know it's not good when your regular doctor refers you to a urologist to give you the news. I immediately thought a benign cyst? I never smoked a day in my life.

I headed to Northwestern Memorial Hospital to get the results. I went alone and was introduced to my doctor Norm Smith. The rest happens very quickly. He sat down and told me I had Renal Clear Cell Carcinoma or RCC. The tumor was the size of a baseball and malignant. my eyes started to well up. I sat silent as he drew a diagram and explained my options for surgery. Wait, I have cancer? What? My head was filled with all these rapid thoughts and none of them good.

The calls to family in New Orleans began and my sister (a nurse) and her partner arrived two weeks later as surgery was scheduled almost immediately. It was strange having my sister visit Chicago for the first time under these circumstances. The day before the surgery we covered my neighborhood, visiting shops, having lunch and catching up but knowing it would be an early morning.

I was on the operating table for eight hours before Dr. Norm emerged and said everything went well.

Today, over five months later and another round of tests including the dreaded closed M.R.I. (nothing like feeling you're in your own casket for an hour) I have been declared cancer free. A couple of suspicious spots proved to be only scar tissue.

As I have written above, I never wanted to blog about this as I know many battle this horrible illness in many forms (one very close to home.) Through a freak event, a "silent killer" as it's called, was discovered. I am VERY fortunate. I close this entry by saying never take anything for granted. Get to the doctor and have those regular check - ups we think we don't need, even a simple x-ray can be very telling.

It's great to be here and see another Chicago Spring. God knows we deserve it.
Matt