Sunday, March 30, 2008

Tonight I Wanna Cry

As many times I've tried to define what is a relationship, one thing is clear: The one who chooses to leave is usually the villain although there are a plethora of faults on both sides. In my own personal experience, there is a lonely and hurtful price to be paid: who gets the friends.

A big lesson has been learned this go round. When you meet someone, you suddenly become this person that your partner wants everyone to meet. There's nothing wrong with that until something goes wrong and suddenly you're alone. Invitations no longer include you and before you know it you realize that you've built your world around your relationship. Of course I see both side of this, but that doesn't mean it hurts less.

So where are my friends? Oh, they're a phone call away, but there not here with a shoulder to lay my head. But why should I need that, after all I'm the bad guy, right? No, actually I've made a choice after a great deal of thought, but to try to articulate this is like screaming at the top of my lungs in a room full of loud talking and laughter.

Somewhere in all this mess of: "serves him right" and all that bullshit is a well intentioned person who never meant to hurt someone and moreover is the reality that I'm the one that's really left alone. So here I am by myself crying because it was my choice to leave and therefore I deserve it.

Maybe it is me. I'm not the most monogamous of partners, but does that make me heartless? I'm sort of like that bad puppy you have to smack on the nose with newspaper every now an then. I never want to hear any of my former partners tell me: "This came from out of nowhere." because you know you're wrong. I wear my heart on my sleeve and articulated needs that were not being met, "red flags", etc. but you chose the status quo or even worse: denial.

It's easier to please the world than to please myself. That's seems how I've lived my life. I guess I grew up always wanting to be the good boy. Make the good grades, behave, don't talk back and all the rest falls into place. I'm paralyzed by my own desire for perfection in every aspect of my life. 'Til this day, if I make a mistake at the office, I beat myself over it for days. "How could you be so stupid. You know better."

So after all this rambling I sit here somehow in disbelief that: "I don't play well with others." Well, at nearly 45 years old, I don't see much changing. So these days when someone pours it on thick with lines like: "You're cute" or "What? You're 44? You're kidding ?", I just think of that great Jack Nicholson line from the film "As Good as it Gets": "Go sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here."

Though a freak heart attack last year something was found that could have silently killed me. It's because of this I know God has happier days ahead for me, but tonight, good guy or bad, I just wanna cry.