"Another Suitcase in Another Hall..."

So here I am again, struggling with sobriety, on anti - depressants and most awkwardly, sharing a space with a partner? friend? roommate?....well you get it. Separate bedrooms, do we kiss or just hug when we get home work? I've been down on this road before, but what do I felt sent me spiraling this time?

After a cancer scare last year, I returned to "normal" life. I was almost euphoric but still cautious about my health. I found out a couple of months ago I was cancer free. One would think that would make the world right. Instead, the reality of what happened to me sunk in and I just lost it. That calm demeanor before the surgery gone. Two and half of years of being sober down the drain. The personal feeling of defeat almost crippling. The heart racing rapid cycling again setting in of running from bar to bar after work trying to calm what I can't define. With this behavior, the person of which you're sharing your life is now confused, lost and knows something has gone terribly wrong.

Well the road once travelled leads you to a doctor and therapist because even you know the behavior has to stop. So here I am back to square one, in a place very familiar and sad with a horrible conclusion: It is all my fault. To Greg, my former partner of 10 years who I completely exhausted with unpredictable mood swings, it is great to finally have you in my corner as a friend. To John, whatever defines what we are right now, I know you remain supportive. And to my God given brother David who listens to all my shit most weekday mornings in what has become known as: "commuter chat", I love you with all my heart.