"Life of the Party"

ME & MY SISTER MARY

Sorry I've been away from the keyboard for a while, well for all my two readers.

I recently attended the wedding of my sister Mary's best friend. I think everyone in my family knows that I'm in the best mental place since the year 2000. Everyday I wake up thankful that I have found my way back.

I read this morning that actor Mel Gibson was arrested for driving while intoxicated on the way back to his Southern California mansion and was clocked doing 87 m.p.h. in a 45 m.p.h. zone. The arrest was quite nasty. Through his publicist, Gibson issued an extensive statement apologizing to the officers that arrested him for his "out of control" verbal abuse. The context of the words exhanged has not been released.I have long followed the career of Gibson and know that alcoholism is a demon that continues haunt the actor / director.

Through a great deal of therapy and group discussions I've discovered that I have a highly addictive personality. When in check, I can be the "life of the party." On the flipside, add alcohol and over-medication and I'm a complete disaster. It's everything in extremes from mania, rapid-cycling mood swings, hypersexual activity, you name it.

If you are a prisoner of addiction in any form: eating, alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling, sex; the list is extensive. For most, when they hear the word addiction, they immediately think of drugs and alcohol. Oh, but it's so much more. Anything in excess is bad if you're an "addict."

When it was ugly....
At my worst in 2002, I was an engine at full throttle all the time. At the drop of a hat, I could go from laughing to crying. I was over buying, drinking, eating and sexing. I lived out my demons very publicly in the New Orleans gay scene. I would bounce from bar to bar, playing video poker (the machine always wins with an addict,) drinking (most nights not remembering driving home,) and the worst component of my addiction: hypersexuality.

For anyone who knows me this paragraph will be difficult to read, but to grasp where you are now is to understand where you've been and I've been to some dark places. Hypersexual behavior is doing "it" until you're exhausted, even if it involoves multiple encounters in one night. It has nothing to do with the act itself, more than the need to achieve the goal of complete mental and physical exhaustion thus shutting down the "engine." At the height of my addiction it was not uncommon to go through $200.00 in one night drinking and doing anything with total strangers in dark places and sometimes a nice hotel (married men in town on business or being the third in a couple's (male) bed.

Greg, my partner of ten years, was a casualty of my addiction. Sure there is a small part of me that wonders where was Greg and my family during this period of such a drastic change in my behavior. Why didn't someone intervene? I remained an out of control car wrecking everything that was good in my life. Then there is tough love. I understand that concept now more than ever. It was no one's place to take my hand and guide me.

"Waking up"
When you are tired of waking up shaking, hurting those you love, and you hit bottom, if you are strong enough, change is in your hands. One day I got tired of losing and tirelessly attending my own pity parties.

I began doing a personal inventory and recovery. All the medications I continued to abuse from a back surgery in 2001, my doctor and I started a weaning process. He was on board as long I would quit drinking. Like my father, I quit cold turkey and have not had a drink in almost two years. The more time past without a drink or medication, the more the "engine" began to idle. My exaggerated highs and lows soon began to phase into regular good days, bad days; my crying attacks disappeared. My choices and decisions became more reality based rather than tired emotionally driven ultimatums. A mandatory physical and an HIV test (which I feared considering my erratic sexual behavior) would also be done. All came back fine. I thank God everyday that I've been given this second chance.

The picture above of me and my sister who I love so much helps me realize that I have so much of which to be thankful. That smile is one that existed years ago and disappeared for a while. Nothing will ever take away who I am today. But there are so many who were always there hoping:

David, I love you more than words can express here. You're not only a brother but a best friend. Mary, I'll never forget that night on the dance floor at Michelle's wedding. I have never felt so close to you. Mom, you've cried with me when I didn't know what was wrong. I know there was a time when you didn't know what was wrong and we watched as you cried. So much of you is a part of me and nothing is really wrong. Daddy, I know you're with me everyday. Mark, you have seen your share of tough times and now it's your "turn." Jerry, I pray that one day you realize the answer to all that is wrong with your life is right in front of you. John, you practically drove through "hell" to get us back together and never gave up even when you felt you should. You and your family were there for me when I felt like giving up. Marge, you listened to me one night as I cried and never judged. You just held my hand and told me I was human. Greg, I hope one day we can forgive each other for all we didn't do to save it, for all the things we didn't understand, and sadly all that remains unresolved. Most importantly, to realize that some roads must be traveled alone.