How much good is "Good Enough?"

I started a new job this week, which adds another important piece of putting myself back together. When I moved to Chicago, I promised myself that I would focus on getting back to what I know best: the wonderful world of hotels and hospitality.

I am a "meeting consultant" for an agency in Chicago's "loop." I was so happy when I landed this job, if I had a wool cap to toss in the air, I would have whirled my ass around on Chicago Avenue and pulled a "Mary Tyler Moore." My first few days have erased many fears and uncovered some sad reality. I was basically trained in one day, the company's system was quite similar to many I have worked with in the past. Now, I have been put on a multitude of other duties, which I did not expect. This would be the price of over achievement during the training process. So what is the sad part? I guess I'm still trying to prove something...I don't know, to me? To everyone I've disappointed in the past? No matter the answer, I sat at lunch alone today while others finished training.

With a plastic fork, I played with a dull salad contemplating independence. For me, this is the reality of supporting myself and never having to disappoint my partner. Maybe once, I could do this thing called "life" on my own. Don't get me wrong, I've cleared some huge hurdles this year and fought more demons than the "Halliwell" sisters. Still, I sat today feeling "not good enough." The afternoon turned gray and the Chicago air grew cold, appropriate for my mood. I sat alone for the rest of the day at my desk completeing odd jobs for the more tenured office staff.

I guess today was a day to reflect on all that's been lost, most precious of which are opportunity and time. I have amazing faith that all I have been through has it's purpose, but why do I still feel "not good enough?" Still I smile knowing that I'm fortunate to have a job (even though it's only four hours a day.) I submit to any task assigned with a grin and a "thank you." It's times like this I look back on the days when I was the one assigning the work and wonder where it all went wrong. There's a line from a song "It took a while for me to learn that nothing comes for free. The price I've paid is high enough for me." Again, there's that word "enough."

As for Mary Tyler Moore tossing her cap in the air, notice they freeze the shot with the cap suspended in mid-air. What you don't see is the part where she doesn't catch it, it falls in a mud puddle and it's rolled over by a cab. That just about sums up my day.