A deafening silence....

It's been a difficult day. I dropped my partner off at the airport early this morning and returned to our very quiet apartment. My cat "Skutty" can sense when I'm down and tends to follow my every move and will take any opportunity to lay next to me. She was a godsend while I was caring for my father. Close to the time of my Dad's passing, it was not unusual that I was in and out of bed at all hours of the night tending to his needs. Skutty slept with me, but no matter how many times I got up, she would follow. She would patiently sit by my father's door, wait for me to do what I needed to and follow me back to my room. She will even come running to me on command when I call her in a certain manner. God bless these wonderful animals that provide this immense unconditional love.

I entitled this blog Decisions mainly because our lives are shaped by what we feel is logical reasoning when faced with a certain situation. I've wanted to maintain a chronological order to my entries so those of you out there reading (if there are any), may see a series of decisions I've made in my life that have brought me to this day. I'm very proud and fortunate to have made the decision to address my addictions and demons, but even the emergence from some pretty dark times have had a high price, one I am especially feeling today.

I lost a partner of ten years to addiction and also my family. There have been times in my life where I feel I've made selfless decisions to force change. I am not one to "feed the pink elephant" so to speak. I was there for my family when they needed me to care for my father only to abruptly leave after his passing. The reason is not important now and far to complicated to go into in this entry. I left Greg, my partner of ten years in 2003, a decision I fight with almost everyday. My current partner JD, is well aware of this and has incredible patience when I have a "Greg" moment. Leaving Greg was the only way for Greg to grow, to move on. There is this great Sarah McLachlan song, "Full of Grace." It's lyrics define my realtionship with Greg at it's end:

The winter here's cold, and bitter
It's chilled us to the bone
We haven't seen the sun for weeks
To long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
In all the darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love

So it's better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we said and did
Hurts us all the more
Its just that we stayed, too long
In the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength
And all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love
It's better this way..

It's agonizing that some of us have to be the one to make a painful decision that brings about change. Sadly, sometimes a silence comes along with these decisions, a deafening kind of silence.