"And the envelope please..."

It was now early July and the results of my M.R.I arrived in the mail. Through all the radiology terms one statement in the findings jumped out: "There is a very large extrusion at L5-S1 level which almost appears to be a free fragment in some imaging. There is a severe compromise of the thecal sac (a membrane containing fluid and nerve endings) at that level (L5-S1.) Translation: I was screwed. I had a ruptured disc and surgery was inevitable. When given the news, Greg in his usual calm demeanor offered: "Well, we kind of figured it was something like this."

SIDEBAR:
In all my writing, I may have given you the impression that Greg was this aloof, walking robot. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I need to reiterate that in 2001, Greg and I had been together 8 years. Greg is a wonderful man capable of amazing compassion and patience. You'll see this as I put him to the ultimate test in later postings. Greg's love was unconditional. Sometimes we want our partners to react a certain way in a particular situation and are disappointed when they do the opposite. We both failed miserably in communicating our needs during this crucial time. Looking back, someone needed to be the calm one. Greg was still hinging on the hope that the surgery would be the "fix all", so was I.

A line from the 1980 film "Ordinary People" comes to mind. At the end of the film, Donald Sutherland's charcater, Calvin Jarrett has decided that he can not tolerate his wife Beth's (a chilling turn by Mary Tyler-Moore) distant and icy behavior after the death of their son and the attempted suicide of their other son due to survivor's guilt. He decides he no longer loves her. Through his tears, Calvin explains: "Everything would have been okay if there hadn't been any mess. Because you can't take mess Beth. Everything has to be neat and tidy."

The internet became my best friend. I began corresponding with a neurologist at Texas A & M. I emailed him my M.R.I. results. He suggested I see a surgeon in my area immediately. I must make mention of a certain doctor friend of mine who worked within the system in New Orleans to make sure my wait time was cut to days instead of months. Dr. Jon G., thanks for your friendhip, concern and a shoulder to lay my head. A week after getting my results, I would see a neurologist.

If the pain and waiting were not enough, I had to deal with annoying bill collectors. I had no patience for the numerous calls asking when I would return to work not to mention work calling asking when I was returning to work. The biggest fund-raiser for the NO/AIDS Task Force, their annual walk, was just a couple of months away. Greg helped as much as he was capable. Greg's amazing mother called me a few days before my appointment. In confidence, she offered to loan me a substantial sum of money for bills. I appreciated her offer, but politely declined. I began to sob when I hung up the phone. Greg's mother was and remains a rock of kindness and sympathy. I love you M. It was back to the "Lifetime" channel.

-Matt