"She's so lucky. She's a star, but she cries....."

Britney Spears in the grips of mania

In a blog that no one really reads, I've always said that I would keep my writings contained to events that were relevant to me. So what do I have in common with Britney Spears? Bear in mind that her saga is something that I have not followed intentionally more than it can't be avoided. Spears has lost control and has every symptom of being manic. But what drives someone to such behavior? For Spears it would appear to be an issue that most of her everyday life (since she could crawl) has been managed by everyone from stage driven parents to professionals. So when it was time to control her own life...well you know the rest, she turned to self- medication.

In 2001 my personality changed dramatically. A ruptured disc in my lower back causing incredible pain sent me on a road bouncing from doctor to doctor in an effort to avoid a surgical solution. Most of the time I literally "limped" my way through the day. I can remember moments driving home from the office with tears in my eyes. With hardly no sleep, I began to have panic attacks from the pain and so the self - medication began.

I began to mix tranquilizers, pain killers and alcohol, a recipe for disaster for me and most around me who began to see a noticeable difference in my mood and behavior. I started having episodes of mania. Anyone who has experienced mania of any kind know that you're like an engine (full speed) that cannot be disengaged. Suddenly coming home at the end of the day was not an option. I would drive straight to a bar and right to the dark place.

When manic, I was a buying, eating, drinking and most regretfully a sex machine. I was always on this delusional quest to make myself happy while my partner Greg lay at home helpless to stop something he didn't understand. All he felt is that in all this "acting out", I no longer loved him. His loss remains the greatest price of my denial that I had a problem.

Adding more damage however was a visit to a psychiatrist (his sessions were crazily off target even for the whack job I had become.) He diagnosed me as bipolar. Not only that, but I was an addict, everything to an extreme. Here came another prescription, this time for Depacote (a mood stablizer.) I told him that I was drinking and taking other meds. He did not believe this was the cause of my behavior.

It was Thanksgiving 2001, At the height of all this craziness I was cooking dinner for twelve. I remember a late backyard call to my Mom. I was exhausted and crying as the celebration with Greg's family was extending into the night (nothing wrong with that, it was all me as I felt I had to be "on.") My Mom knows all too well the sadness I was feeling.

The visits to the misdiagnosing doctor ceased. I returned to self - medicating and out until all hours of the morning. In doing this I still managed to make it to my job on or before time. Even surgery did not end the addiction to alcohol and the prescription drugs. The hole getting deeper and deeper. Greg growing more distant as he should. For him, this now became a self - preservation issue. I was hurting him deeply which I'm sure carried into his job.

How all this turns out depends on the person. I know that I can no longer drink alcohol.....ZERO TOLERANCE on that one. I had scares this year with a minor heart attack, kidney cancer and colon / rectal issues. The malignant tumor was removed from my kidney successfully, but pain medication again entered the picture but it's use limited. I consider myself strong and incredibly lucky. Only YOU can make the conscience decision to stop the insanity that is driven by what you put into your body and to remember the blame no one but yourself.

Britney Spears manic behavior is being brought to the world due to celebrity, but many are fighting this internal war everyday, unfortunately some are losing. I was saddened this week to hear of the death of skater Christopher Bowman. The most awful thing for celebrities is that they love you when you're on top of your game but are also anxious to report your death of an overdose in a "budget" hotel.

"I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all demons, finally content with a past I regret, for once I am at peace with myself" so says a Rascal Flatt's song. As for Greg, I went to visit him (after almost five years) and his current partner. He finally has the life he's always deserved. When we were together I was a free spirit that brought him much happiness but also more sadness. During that visit I remember standing alone with him in their backyard watching the playful pups he and his partner had just brought into their home. For one moment there was a brief yet silent unexplainable sadness. There we stood with each other, two men who spent a decade of our lives together, my demons finally behind me but both of us probably realizing that horrible period of my life claimed a piece of both of our hearts forever.

This post is for him.